November 30 2023

Whistleblower’s diary: Rise of the shredder

Whistleblower’s diary: Rise of the shredder

I started working behind a bar on Monday. I like it. It feels a world away from the hills of Mordor, where I’ve been wandering for the last few years. Of course, there’s been plenty to talk to the Punters about too…

Across the pond, Chicago saw what could be one of the most violent Independence Day weekends on record, aside from that depicted in the Hollywood blockbuster. There were 84 shootings which an exhausted workforce of cops failed to control, prompting the mayor and police chiefs to admit that their crime-fighting policy was unfit and they ‘lost it’. In an extraordinary step, the National Guard has now been called in to sort out the Blues Brothers’ home town. Jake and Elwood would be proud.

Back at home, the Prime Minister has launched a campaign against public sector strikes, brought about by his Government’s constant reforms and austerity measures. He proposes to limit the right to strike. This comes in the wake of Germany’s 7-1 thrashing of Brazil in the World Cup Semi-Final.

Perhaps Mr Cameron should focus national efforts on emulating ze German proficiency for a game we invented, rather than copying what they did as a nation in the early 1930’s.

Surveillance rules are also firmly on the agenda once again, as the Government rushes through emergency amendments to the legislation. They have just had their arses handed to them over the retention of phone and data records, in the European Court and are now facing a challenge in the domestic High Court.

The solution, it seems, is just to make legal what they were doing already, despite being told it wasn’t legal. Brilliant.

All of this risks being overshadowed by the child abuse inquiry announced this week, to be headed up by Judge Buttless-Slosh (genuine auto-text translation, I assure you). I was immediately struck by the irony of Judge B-S heading up an inquiry into years of bullshit protecting high-level nonces, and found myself shocked and awed, on seeing that she had cocked up a previous inquiry. While I like Nigel Havers, I am not reassured.

A grim light has also been shone on the innermost working of the Parliamentary Whip system, with the exposure of the ‘dirt books’. First came this grubby little video clip from the 1990’s, in which a former Whip clearly says that MPs in bother would come and confess their sins, including trouble with ‘little boys’, and – as a result of having it sorted – would then be in the pocket of the Whips and subsequently the party.

What this tells us is what we have always known: that politics really is a filthy business.

Finally, as the 2014 incarnation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rushes towards cinema screens, it seems that the Shredder has already invaded London. First he was busy at the Met, getting rid of the corruption files, then hustled across to the Home Office and went for 114 files on the Whitehall child abuse allegations.

Now, it seems, the pointy armed bad guy has smashed his way into the Foreign office and pissed all over the files on Rendition. They have mysteriously been water damaged, and smell slightly of Asparagus….a key dietary staple of evil Ninjas everywhere.

It wouldn’t really surprise me if the next food scandal to hit the UK was not horse related, but erupts in the Shredded Wheat factory instead, with the discovery of pulped Government documents being fed to the population.

It would make a nice change from the large helpings of utter bollocks we have been chowing down on for years.